St Patrick’s Day vs the Ides of March, How Are You Celebrating?
Plus: Justice for Calpurnia
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Happy Ides of March! St. Patrick’s Day is on Tuesday, here’s a bonus for those of you celebrating both. Beware and take care.
St Patrick’s Day vs the Ides of March, How Are You Celebrating?
Traditional observance:
St Patrick’s Day
Go out with 1.2 million friends.
Ides of March
Stay home.
Traditional symbol:
St Patrick’s Day
Four-leaf clover.2
Ides of March
Two-faced friend.
Traditional color:
St Patrick’s Day
Green.
Ides of March
Crimson.
Traditional activity with color:
St Patrick’s Day
Ides of March
Die, tyrant!
Traditional beverage:
St Patrick’s Day
Beer.
Ides of March
The bitter waters of Lethe.
First person you will not listen to:
St Patrick’s Day
The wife.
Ides of March
The wife.3
Second person you will not listen to:
St Patrick’s Day
Policeman with pettable horse.
Ides of March
Soothsayer.
Location of snakes:
St Patrick’s Day
Not Ireland.
Ides of March
Behind you with a knife.
Famous last words:
St Patrick’s Day
“One more beer.”
Ides of March
“Et tu, Brute.”4
What will finish you off:
St Patrick’s Day
One more beer.
Ides of March
Brutus.
Result:
St Patrick’s Day
Your insensate body.
Ides of March
Your insensate body.
Many thanks to my brilliant brother5 for the punch up and “pettable horse.”
Like this one.
Yes, St. Patrick taught the trinity with the traditional three-leaf shamrock, I’m going for the lucky ones.
Calpurnia really gets the short straw. Publicly whipped by naked Anthony* because…wolves? Then pompously dismissed by her tyrant (!) husband who saunters off to the office to be chopped into bits. I always imagine her crossing paths with Cleopatra as they flee Rome post-assassination.** I hope they shared a “Girl. Run.” moment.***
*Yes, I know Shakespeare doesn’t actually show us the running of the Luperci. (Coward.) There must be a production somewhere^ with naked men running through the aisles whipping the audience. If not, I trust it is an oversight that will soon be corrected.
**Yes, when Caesar was assassinated Cleopatra was in Rome at one of Caesar’s f*ck pads garden villas^^ with their son, Caesarion. So…while Calpurnia is being publicly admonished for infertility, her husband’s side piece is shacked up with their bastard son in a mansion down the street. Caesar also erected a golden statue of Cleopatra in the Temple of Venus (probably). It is a miracle he lived long enough to be killed by someone else.
***I also wish this for Desdemona and Jessica on such a night.
^Germany.
If you want to get into kai su, teknon, we can absolutely do that, maybe next year.
My favorite of his very funny Quora answers remains, “The most efficient form of self-defense is sprinting.”
How is this even a competition? Ides of March, all the way.
Extremely fun, witty and wise!